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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sony Stops Making Walkman

Sony has announced it will no longer manufacture the Walkman, the cassette player that revolutionized music portability 30 years ago. What do you think?

  • "But what if I need to convince a coma patient that it's 1985?"

    Xena Dine Dog Groomer
  • "You don't need a thousand songs at your disposal as long as you got your Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in the player and some Belinda Carlisle in your pocket if you need a changeover."

    Lloyd Martey Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, no! How is my eighth-grade girlfriend going to listen to that 'Our Love Is Synthesized' mix-tape I made her?"

    Randall Popp Unemployed

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