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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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South Park vs. Scientology

Following the departure of Isaac Hayes last week, Comedy Central pulled an episode of South Park that lampooned Tom Cruise and Scientology. What do you think?
  • "Leave the Scientologists alone, already. Don't they have enough to worry about, what with the tyranny of the galactic God Xenu and his evil body thetans?"

    Stephen Grossman Epidemiologist
  • "Comedy Central has already insulted Scientology with its glib representations of battling robots."

    Brianna Hodges Industrial Engineer
  • "I'm with Isaac Hayes. Shows about testicles, talking feces, and starving Africans are one thing, but discussing Scientology is offensive."

    Jeremy Marshka Mathematician
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