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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Southern Food Causes Strokes?

A new study has linked the highly fatty and extremely sweet foods often consumed in the American South, such as sweet tea and fried chicken and fish, with southern states’ high rates of stroke. What do you think?

  • “I don’t know about all you other gals, but I, for one, find men with a slight Southern drawl and some facial paralysis incredibly charming.”

    Regina Ruddy Linguist
  • “You Yankees can call them ‘strokes’ or whatever you want. Down here they go by the name of ‘The Tasty Clots.’”

    Conrad Moser Box Maker
  • “Nah, they’re just stroking out because it all tastes so darn good.”

    Don Chao Upholstery Restorer

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