Southern Food Causes Strokes?

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Southern Food Causes Strokes?

A new study has linked the highly fatty and extremely sweet foods often consumed in the American South, such as sweet tea and fried chicken and fish, with southern states’ high rates of stroke. What do you think?

  • “I don’t know about all you other gals, but I, for one, find men with a slight Southern drawl and some facial paralysis incredibly charming.”

    Regina Ruddy
    Linguist
  • “You Yankees can call them ‘strokes’ or whatever you want. Down here they go by the name of ‘The Tasty Clots.’”

    Conrad Moser
    Box Maker
  • “Nah, they’re just stroking out because it all tastes so darn good.”

    Don Chao
    Upholstery Restorer
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