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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Space Jammed

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate giants like Nike and McDonald's—has been criticized by some for its overt commerciality. What do you think of the movie?
  • "Space Jam? Bah! I prefer more enlightened, intellectual fare. That's why I plan to see the new Roman Polanski film, Night and the Archbishop, featuring Chilly Willy."

    Caroline Murphy Lawyer
  • "Bugs Bunny is a priceless piece of Americana. That's why when Space Jam premieres, I'll be the first in line—burning myself alive Buddhist-style in front of the theater."

    Gerald Boucher Numerologist
  • "I hope now I'll finally be able to find Chicago Bulls or Warner Brothers merchandise.

    Otto Richards Chimney Sweep
  • "I hear there's this one part in the movie where somebody gets bonked in the head."

    Charles Odomes Orthodontist
  • "I can't wait to see Daffy and Taz on the big screen again. Bugs, I could do without, since he once sodomized me behind the log flume at Six Flags. He's much, much taller in person, you know."

    Stephen Frey Systems Analyst
  • "See Space Jam in the theaters? No thanks. I'll wait to see it the way it was meant to be seen—on network TV, surrounded by commercials."

    Marianne Hustings Guidance Counselor

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