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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Space Shuttle Discovery Moves To D.C.

On its final flight, the Space Shuttle Discovery left Florida for Washington, where it will be part of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. What do you think?

  • "Don’t they have enough rockets stuffed into that place? How about throwing a bone to Muncie’s scrappy new Outer Space Fun Center?"

    Walter Vere-Jones Knit-Goods Washer
  • "Aw, nuts. This is going to rekindle my kid's love of learning all over again."

    Corinne Hammon Order Caller
  • "Why didn't they just land it in the moon's museum? What do you mean there's no museum on the moon? Dear God. That place must be full of savages."

    Sean Griggs Machine Sprayer

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