Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes

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Vol 47 Issue 34

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report.

Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunn...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Holiday

Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes

A Russian rocket carrying nearly 3 tons of supplies for the International Space Station crashed five minutes after takeoff, an accident expected to delay the return of astronauts to Earth. What do you think?

  • “Why are they looking to us Earthlings to save them? They’re the ones who left.”

    Kate Jameson
    Systems Analyst
  • "See, I would have launched the snacks and clothes in an initial light rocket, in order to make room in the second rocket for the heavy space couches."

    Carl Leeson
    Unemployed
  • "So, you’re saying there’s a chance they’ll resort to space cannibalism? And they have webcams up there, right?"

    Arthur Tamm
    Gluer
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