After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Spanking Leads To Aggressive Children

According to a study in the forthcoming issue of Pediatrics, 3-year-olds who are spanked more frequently are more likely to bully and hit at age 5. What do you think?

  • "Okay, but how about checking out the data on them still stealing ice-cream sandwiches at age 5? Not doing that anymore, are they?"

    Nancy Stone Systems Analyst
  • "I teach my preschooler cutting verbal put-downs instead. She's perfected 'Your mommy buys all your clothes from the clearance rack at Gymboree,' and made up the 'Pee drinker!' apple-juice taunt all by herself."

    Dan Martini Code and Test Clerk
  • "Thanks! That reminds me—I forgot to take my birth control."

    Jon Graham Pastry Delivery Driver

After Birth

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