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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Species Of Big-Nosed Dinosaur Unearthed In Utah

Paleontologists have discovered a previously unknown species of dinosaur called Nasutoceratops, a name that translates to “large-nosed horned face,” which lived during the Cretaceous period and had a distinctive oversize nose and large horns. What do you think?

  • “We’ve been waiting forever for a new type of dinosaur, and this is what they come up with?”

    Sunny Eales Grain Roaster
  • “Oh God, the kids at school always used to call me Nasutoceratops, but I never knew what it meant.”

    Laird Sill Statistician
  • “The Cretaceous period? Man, that brings me back.”

    Todd Dutra Bench Inspector

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