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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Species Of Big-Nosed Dinosaur Unearthed In Utah

Paleontologists have discovered a previously unknown species of dinosaur called Nasutoceratops, a name that translates to “large-nosed horned face,” which lived during the Cretaceous period and had a distinctive oversize nose and large horns. What do you think?

  • “We’ve been waiting forever for a new type of dinosaur, and this is what they come up with?”

    Sunny Eales Grain Roaster
  • “Oh God, the kids at school always used to call me Nasutoceratops, but I never knew what it meant.”

    Laird Sill Statistician
  • “The Cretaceous period? Man, that brings me back.”

    Todd Dutra Bench Inspector
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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