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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Species Of Big-Nosed Dinosaur Unearthed In Utah

Paleontologists have discovered a previously unknown species of dinosaur called Nasutoceratops, a name that translates to “large-nosed horned face,” which lived during the Cretaceous period and had a distinctive oversize nose and large horns. What do you think?

  • “We’ve been waiting forever for a new type of dinosaur, and this is what they come up with?”

    Sunny Eales Grain Roaster
  • “Oh God, the kids at school always used to call me Nasutoceratops, but I never knew what it meant.”

    Laird Sill Statistician
  • “The Cretaceous period? Man, that brings me back.”

    Todd Dutra Bench Inspector

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