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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

The Bush Administration announced that it hopes to speed up the transition to self-government in Iraq. What do you think?
  • "Jesus, just leave the country, already. Someone else will come in and take it over."

    Charlie Falk Security Guard
  • "This is simply the natural evolution of our policy from Iraquisition to Iraqupation, to Iraqunification."

    Christine Winn Receptionist
  • "Iraq has a history of instability and will require strong leadership in the postwar era. Hey! Is Saddam still alive?"

    Diana Conley Receptionist
  • "Well, I happen to be an unemployed warlord."

    Rodney Dunson Warlord
  • "It makes sense for Bush to pull out. If his own father had exercised the judgment to pull out, the U.S. wouldn't have been there in the first place."

    Robert Swenson Systems <br>Analyst
  • "I'm just hoping Bush gets our boys home before election time."

    Jeff Rondeau Materials Engineer

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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