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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

The Bush Administration announced that it hopes to speed up the transition to self-government in Iraq. What do you think?
  • "Jesus, just leave the country, already. Someone else will come in and take it over."

    Charlie Falk Security Guard
  • "This is simply the natural evolution of our policy from Iraquisition to Iraqupation, to Iraqunification."

    Christine Winn Receptionist
  • "Iraq has a history of instability and will require strong leadership in the postwar era. Hey! Is Saddam still alive?"

    Diana Conley Receptionist
  • "Well, I happen to be an unemployed warlord."

    Rodney Dunson Warlord
  • "It makes sense for Bush to pull out. If his own father had exercised the judgment to pull out, the U.S. wouldn't have been there in the first place."

    Robert Swenson Systems <br>Analyst
  • "I'm just hoping Bush gets our boys home before election time."

    Jeff Rondeau Materials Engineer

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