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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Spider Invasion Leads To Mazda Recall

Japanese automaker Mazda announced this week that it’s recalling 52,000 cars that may have been invaded by the yellow sac spider, a species that’s attracted to gasoline and weaves webs inside gas tanks. What do you think?

  • “It’s a small trade-off for being able to drive a Mazda.”

    Kevin Gallant Furnace Inspector
  • “That’s why I’ll always take a good, honest American car filled with good, honest American spiders.”

    Megan Liuzzo Camera Lens Cleaner
  • “It’s nice to have company on long drives.”

    Jeremy Friar Repair Technician

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