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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the moon for marketing purposes. What do you think?

  • “Good. I’m sick of seeing ‘Your Ad Here’ every time I look up at the night sky.”

    Keith Jaczko Market Analyst
  • “I didn’t think I could possibly be any more excited to drink something called Sweat, but here we are.”

    Stephanie Bregman Farmers Market Planner
  • “What an exciting new chapter in human shamelessness.”

    Chris Suchy Package Labeler

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