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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Spy Satellite Going To Crash

An American spy satellite launched in 2006 has lost power and expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March. What do you think?
  • "Get your cameras out. If my calculations are correct, the impact will be at least a 7.4 on the Bruckheimer scale."

    Al Barber Systems Analyst
  • "Just like the government, always trying to find a way to get their spy satellites in our business."

    Rachel Mays Department Store Manager
  • "I never knew there would be consequences to mankind's insatiable thirst for knowledge."

    Sean Monnahagn Security Guard

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