adBlockCheck

Local

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

St. Louis Rated Most Dangerous City

A study of crime statistics showed that, with 2,070.1 violent crimes per 100,000 residents, St. Louis was the most violent city in the United States in 2009. What do you think?

  • "Well, it is such a depressing, pessimistic city, what with that gigantic frown monument they have there."

    Jenn Ashley Assembler
  • "I believe it. I kill people in St. Louis all the time."

    Jeff Ouimet Systems Analyst
  • "Are you serious? But I was just there last summer, and it was fine! The zoo smelled a little too much, and the river was muddy, and my friend was shot, but everyone I met was very nice!"

    Jerry Puleo Compliance Officer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close