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Standardized Testing Bias

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Standardized Testing Bias

Debate is raging over the SAT and other standardized college tests, which many contend are biased against minorities and the poor. What do you think about altering or abolishing such tests?
  • "I see no reason why any high-school senior shouldn't be able to answer questions about basic yachting terminology."

    Gus Browning Accountant
  • "We must make these tests less biased so that qualified minority students will have an opportunity to not be able to afford college."

    Danielle Ross Systems Analyst
  • "There are many factors that are not adequately taken into account in standardized tests, such as who gots the dopest sneakers."

    Carl Kukkonen Engineer
  • "Everyone talks about the minorities, but no one ever talks about those of us who are terrified of paper."

    Ellyn Archer Florist
  • "I was discriminated against during the college-testing process because I come from a culture that is opposed to filling in circles completely and with firm pressure."

    Christopher Rau Waiter
  • "I think the tests should be tailored to the strengths of each individual student. I, for example, would have aced the SAT if it focused less on spatial equations and more on Queensrÿche."

    Donny Slaim Delivery Driver

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