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Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Standardized Testing Bias

Debate is raging over the SAT and other standardized college tests, which many contend are biased against minorities and the poor. What do you think about altering or abolishing such tests?
  • "I see no reason why any high-school senior shouldn't be able to answer questions about basic yachting terminology."

    Gus Browning Accountant
  • "We must make these tests less biased so that qualified minority students will have an opportunity to not be able to afford college."

    Danielle Ross Systems Analyst
  • "There are many factors that are not adequately taken into account in standardized tests, such as who gots the dopest sneakers."

    Carl Kukkonen Engineer
  • "Everyone talks about the minorities, but no one ever talks about those of us who are terrified of paper."

    Ellyn Archer Florist
  • "I was discriminated against during the college-testing process because I come from a culture that is opposed to filling in circles completely and with firm pressure."

    Christopher Rau Waiter
  • "I think the tests should be tailored to the strengths of each individual student. I, for example, would have aced the SAT if it focused less on spatial equations and more on Queensrÿche."

    Donny Slaim Delivery Driver

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