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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Filming Angers Bird Experts

After production on Stars Wars: Episode VII moved to a remote island off the coast of Ireland, ornithologists and wildlife conservationists expressed anger at J.J. Abrams and the production crew over concerns that filming disrupted the mating rituals of local bird populations like puffins and peregrine falcons. What do you think?

  • “What these bird lovers need to realize is that Star Wars fans will kill every bird in sight if this delays the film’s release.”

    Steve Galindez Dentures Molder
  • “Still, you have to admire J.J. Abrams for actually going out and disrupting nature rather than just CGI-ing it.”

    Amy Menapace Basket Weaver
  • “I’m just excited that Star Wars might feature two puffins going at it in the background.”

    Chuck Hedley Unemployed

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