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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Filming Angers Bird Experts

After production on Stars Wars: Episode VII moved to a remote island off the coast of Ireland, ornithologists and wildlife conservationists expressed anger at J.J. Abrams and the production crew over concerns that filming disrupted the mating rituals of local bird populations like puffins and peregrine falcons. What do you think?

  • “What these bird lovers need to realize is that Star Wars fans will kill every bird in sight if this delays the film’s release.”

    Steve Galindez Dentures Molder
  • “Still, you have to admire J.J. Abrams for actually going out and disrupting nature rather than just CGI-ing it.”

    Amy Menapace Basket Weaver
  • “I’m just excited that Star Wars might feature two puffins going at it in the background.”

    Chuck Hedley Unemployed

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