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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Filming Angers Bird Experts

After production on Stars Wars: Episode VII moved to a remote island off the coast of Ireland, ornithologists and wildlife conservationists expressed anger at J.J. Abrams and the production crew over concerns that filming disrupted the mating rituals of local bird populations like puffins and peregrine falcons. What do you think?

  • “What these bird lovers need to realize is that Star Wars fans will kill every bird in sight if this delays the film’s release.”

    Steve Galindez Dentures Molder
  • “Still, you have to admire J.J. Abrams for actually going out and disrupting nature rather than just CGI-ing it.”

    Amy Menapace Basket Weaver
  • “I’m just excited that Star Wars might feature two puffins going at it in the background.”

    Chuck Hedley Unemployed

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