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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Starbucks Asks Customers Not To Carry Guns

Reversing the company’s previous tolerance toward firearms, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he “respectfully requests” that all of the coffee chain’s patrons leave their guns at home or in their cars and not bring them into any Starbucks location. What do you think?

  • “I’ll put down the gun once Maria has learned the meaning of ‘no whip.’”

    Win Carasik Winemaker
  • “Sounds like some coward CEO’s just trying to avoid a mass shooting at his stores.”

    Franklyn Atwood Systems Analyst
  • “But there’s nothing quite like stirring in your cream with the barrel of a .357.”

    Allegra Chase Fish Hatchery Manager

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