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Starbucks Asks Customers Not To Carry Guns

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Starbucks Asks Customers Not To Carry Guns

Reversing the company’s previous tolerance toward firearms, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he “respectfully requests” that all of the coffee chain’s patrons leave their guns at home or in their cars and not bring them into any Starbucks location. What do you think?

  • “I’ll put down the gun once Maria has learned the meaning of ‘no whip.’”

    Win Carasik Winemaker
  • “Sounds like some coward CEO’s just trying to avoid a mass shooting at his stores.”

    Franklyn Atwood Systems Analyst
  • “But there’s nothing quite like stirring in your cream with the barrel of a .357.”

    Allegra Chase Fish Hatchery Manager

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