Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Starbucks Debuts ‘Unicorn Frappuccino’

Capitalizing on the internet trend of brightly colored “unicorn food” amidst lagging sales, Starbucks has debuted a “Unicorn Frappuccino” with colorful layers and whipped cream with a dusting of sparkly sugars. What do you think?

  • “I was just looking for a colorful new way of making my barista’s job harder!”

    Ward Johnson Sofa Marketer
  • “Hopefully this product is a hit, as some executive’s job is clearly riding on it.”

    Maude Richards Acid Bottler
  • “I’m willing to cut some pink dust and blue drizzle out of other areas of my diet to make room for this.”

    Hal Burnett Menu Approver

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.