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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Starbucks Ending Alcohol Service

After six years of attempting to grow their beer, wine, and small plates service into a popular after-work destination, Starbucks has announced the end of its Evenings program nationwide. What do you think?

  • “Starbucks will hardly be the first place that’s refused to serve me alcohol.”

    Gordon Howell Systems Analyst
  • “Just when the term ‘bartenderista’ was getting big!”

    Lena Mayhew Chipmunk Tamer
  • “Hopefully they’ll still keep a little rum next to the sugar and cream for morning commuters.”

    Robby Hacker Lumber Dealer

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