Starbucks Opening 3,000 New Stores

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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

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FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

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There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Starbucks Opening 3,000 New Stores

The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks announced plans to open 3,000 new stores in North and South America over the next five years, with half to be located in the United States. What do you think?

  • “Finally.”

    Alicia Garcia
    Honey Processor
  • “I was just thinking how this country could use a few thousand more public bathrooms.”

    Barry Rivard
    Bus Upholsterer
  • “Just out of curiosity, will they be consulting with any existing Starbucks stores regarding their lists of banned customers?”

    James O’Shea
    Flange Cutter