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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Starbucks Opening 3,000 New Stores

The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks announced plans to open 3,000 new stores in North and South America over the next five years, with half to be located in the United States. What do you think?

  • “Finally.”

    Alicia Garcia Honey Processor
  • “I was just thinking how this country could use a few thousand more public bathrooms.”

    Barry Rivard Bus Upholsterer
  • “Just out of curiosity, will they be consulting with any existing Starbucks stores regarding their lists of banned customers?”

    James O’Shea Flange Cutter

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