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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.
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Starbucks Opens First Teahouse, Plans 1,000 More

Starbucks opened a teahouse in Manhattan that serves a variety of teas and food items, the first of what it hopes will be 1,000 such stores across the United States. What do you think?

  • “Where do they get all this money?”

    Reinhart Brinkmann Braille Transcriber
  • “I’m doubtful, but I hope this works out for them. Love those Starbucks guys.”

    Melinda Newquist Filter Cleaner
  • “I can’t wait to refuse to eat there because it’s so corporate.”

    Kenny Knipp Unemployed

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