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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Starbucks Removes Beetle-Based Coloring

Starbucks said it would stop using cochineal beetles to color its strawberry Frappuccinos and switch to a tomato-based food coloring. What do you think?

  • “It's a shame they can't just make a strawberry Frappuccino out of some kind of naturally red fruit.”

    Penny Emge Systems Analyst
  • "Great. Now how am I supposed to be the weird guy at Starbucks who impresses girls with his knowledge of what's really in their strawberry Frappucino?"

    Winston Reninger Doffer
  • "Thank goodness cockroaches just crawl right into Dunkin' Donuts coffee machines every day so that I can still get my morning insect fix."

    Blaine Foree Screwhead Polisher
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