adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Starbucks To Pay Baristas’ College Tuition

Starbucks announced Monday that as part of an effort to save the American middle class, the coffee chain will pay for baristas working 20 or more hours a week to attend online classes at Arizona State University. What do you think?

  • “It’s nice to know that when our civic institutions fail us, our mid-price coffee chains are there to step in.”

    Kevin Becker Systems Analyst
  • “Sounds like a wonderful program, but if it drives up the price of drinks by even a single penny I’m going to throw a fucking fit.”

    Marcia DiBartolomeo Paperwork Processor
  • “It’s still cool to work there aimlessly though, right?”

    Gavin Simson Mascot Designer

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close