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Starbucks To Pay Baristas’ College Tuition

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Starbucks To Pay Baristas’ College Tuition

Starbucks announced Monday that as part of an effort to save the American middle class, the coffee chain will pay for baristas working 20 or more hours a week to attend online classes at Arizona State University. What do you think?

  • “It’s nice to know that when our civic institutions fail us, our mid-price coffee chains are there to step in.”

    Kevin Becker Systems Analyst
  • “Sounds like a wonderful program, but if it drives up the price of drinks by even a single penny I’m going to throw a fucking fit.”

    Marcia DiBartolomeo Paperwork Processor
  • “It’s still cool to work there aimlessly though, right?”

    Gavin Simson Mascot Designer

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