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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Starbucks To Sell Handcrafted Sodas

Following recent moves to add more lunch offerings, Starbucks has announced that it will soon begin offering individually crafted, made-to-order sodas from the beverage brand Fizzio, which will come in the flavors Spiced Root Beer, Golden Ginger Ale, and Lemon Ale. What do you think?

  • “Finally, there’s somewhere to get a decent lemon ale.”

    Cassidy Logan Board Game Designer
  • “I don’t need to hear the particulars. Just get the sugar in my body.”

    Evan Finch Construction Supervisor
  • “They couldn’t have thrown the word ‘vintage’ in there somewhere?”

    Andrew Marcus Marketing Assistant

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