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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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State Department Spokesman Ousted

P.J. Crowley, a spokesman for the State Department, was forced to resign following comments he made at MIT about the alleged mistreatment of imprisoned Wikileaks source Pfc. Bradley Manning. What do you think?

  • "This is why I never talk about someone who I know for a fact is being abused. It always causes way too much drama."

    Rick Allison Railroad Car-Inspector
  • "I got fired from my job for the same type of thing, only it was for pointing out that there were a lot of people taking 35-minute lunches besides Jenny and me."

    Lola Marino Unemployed
  • "Hey, I don't have a problem helping the government lie about torturing its own citizens. Can I have his job?"

    Wallace Kenney Abstractor

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