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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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State Department Spokesman Ousted

P.J. Crowley, a spokesman for the State Department, was forced to resign following comments he made at MIT about the alleged mistreatment of imprisoned Wikileaks source Pfc. Bradley Manning. What do you think?

  • "This is why I never talk about someone who I know for a fact is being abused. It always causes way too much drama."

    Rick Allison Railroad Car-Inspector
  • "I got fired from my job for the same type of thing, only it was for pointing out that there were a lot of people taking 35-minute lunches besides Jenny and me."

    Lola Marino Unemployed
  • "Hey, I don't have a problem helping the government lie about torturing its own citizens. Can I have his job?"

    Wallace Kenney Abstractor

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