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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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State Of The Union

President Bush delivered his fifth State Of The Union address last night, promising affordable health care and criticizing Americans for being addicted to oil. What do you think?
  • "I was glad to hear about the American Competitiveness Initiative, which will strengthen our children's future by doubling the nation's dodgeball budget."

    Heidi Wolf Quality-Control Agent
  • "They were brave to invite Iraq war vets like Rex the dog, especially given his anti-war stance."

    Stuart Rossmiller Bellman
  • "What's all this about alternative energy and encouraging creativity? I voted for an oil man, not Jimmy Carter!"

    Ken Thiele Aeronautical Engineer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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