State Of The Union

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

State Of The Union

President Bush delivered his fifth State Of The Union address last night, promising affordable health care and criticizing Americans for being addicted to oil. What do you think?
  • "I was glad to hear about the American Competitiveness Initiative, which will strengthen our children's future by doubling the nation's dodgeball budget."

    Heidi Wolf
    Quality-Control Agent
  • "They were brave to invite Iraq war vets like Rex the dog, especially given his anti-war stance."

    Stuart Rossmiller
    Bellman
  • "What's all this about alternative energy and encouraging creativity? I voted for an oil man, not Jimmy Carter!"

    Ken Thiele
    Aeronautical Engineer
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