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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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State Of The Union

President Bush delivered his fifth State Of The Union address last night, promising affordable health care and criticizing Americans for being addicted to oil. What do you think?
  • "I was glad to hear about the American Competitiveness Initiative, which will strengthen our children's future by doubling the nation's dodgeball budget."

    Heidi Wolf Quality-Control Agent
  • "They were brave to invite Iraq war vets like Rex the dog, especially given his anti-war stance."

    Stuart Rossmiller Bellman
  • "What's all this about alternative energy and encouraging creativity? I voted for an oil man, not Jimmy Carter!"

    Ken Thiele Aeronautical Engineer

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