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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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State Of The Union Could Coincide With 'Lost' Premiere

Fans of the show Lost were up in arms when it was announced that President Obama's State of the Union address might preempt the show's season premiere. What do you think?
  • "Hopefully, the speech will be just as suspenseful and tantalizingly inconclusive."

    Chance Stefanovich Bar Manager
  • "I don't give a shit. I stopped watching Lost after the second season and quit paying attention to the State of the Union address during Reagan's second term."

    Pauline Shallcross Greeter
  • "That's cool with me. I'll still invite everyone over, but instead of drinking each time Des says 'brotha' or the smoke monster appears, we'll drink each time Obama says 'responsibility' or they cut to Lieberman."

    Chuck Trice Systems Analyst

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