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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening

Beginning July 4, the crown of the Statue of Liberty will be open to the public for the first time since Sept. 11, 2001. What do you think?
  • "Lady Liberty is our greatest symbol for freedom, so hopefully they’ll have rigorous racial profiling to ensure her safety."

    Paul Holtzman Insulation Packer
  • "I’m pleased visitors can once again laugh uproariously at the balls joke I scrawled up there during my seventh-grade field trip.”

    Max Foner Circuit Board Etcher
  • "They closed the Statue of Liberty on Sept. 11? Did anything good happen on that day?"

    Claudia Bunning Visual-Information Specialist

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