‘Stay The Course’ No More

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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‘Stay The Course’ No More

According to reports, the Bush Administration will no longer use the phrase ‘stay the course’ when talking about the war in Iraq. What do you think?
  • “The new ‘Hang in there, baby!’ army poster picturing a cat in fatigues is a delightful replacement.”

    Lee Stevens
    Saddle Repairman
  • “Maybe they’ll continue to phase out every sound bite until they stop talking about it at all.”

    Darrin Fields
    Nurse's Aide
  • “Can I still say it?”

    Roberta Kingsley
    Pharmacist
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