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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Stem-Cell Science Vetoed

President Bush executed his first veto since entering office on a bill supporting stem-cell research. What do you think?
  • "Maybe Bush would pass the bill if, instead of research, the stem cells would be used for torture."

    Susan Faden Systems Analyst
  • "If God wanted to cure or treat diseases affecting 100 million people, he would've put a sane person in the Oval Office."

    Ray Kiley Bar Back
  • "To Bush's credit, the ailing and enfeebled can't vote, let alone fund a Republican campaign."

    Mitchell Goldberg Lawyer
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