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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Stephen Hawking: Artificial Intelligence Could Spell End For Mankind

In a column inspired by the sci-fi film Transcendence, physicist Stephen Hawking wrote that it would be a huge mistake to dismiss the threat of artificial intelligence, cautioning that the rise of A.I. could be the “biggest event in human history” and possibly the last. What do you think?

  • “Oh, so suddenly Stephen Hawking is some big expert.”

    Colton Brewer Shipping Manager
  • “Fifty bucks says global warming kills us first.”

    Gail Wilczek Unemployed
  • “So did he think Transcendence was good, or what?”

    Aiden Russell Sandwich Artist

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