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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Stephen Hawking Warns Of Aliens

In a new documentary, celebrity physicist Stephen Hawking says that while there are almost certainly other life forms in the universe, we should avoid contact with them lest they decide to strip our planet of its resources. What do you think?

  • "Oh, fuck…Hawking hasn't gone Scientologist on us, has he?"

    Sara Didier Instrument Assembler
  • "Alien ladies, alien ladies. There's enough of me to go around all our solar systems and stuff."

    Steve von Bohlen Systems Analyst
  • "He's only saying that because, if aliens did invade, he’d have the hardest time running away."

    Jonathan Klug Oculist
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