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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Stephen Hawking Warns Of Aliens

In a new documentary, celebrity physicist Stephen Hawking says that while there are almost certainly other life forms in the universe, we should avoid contact with them lest they decide to strip our planet of its resources. What do you think?

  • "Oh, fuck…Hawking hasn't gone Scientologist on us, has he?"

    Sara Didier Instrument Assembler
  • "Alien ladies, alien ladies. There's enough of me to go around all our solar systems and stuff."

    Steve von Bohlen Systems Analyst
  • "He's only saying that because, if aliens did invade, he’d have the hardest time running away."

    Jonathan Klug Oculist
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