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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Steve Jobs Dead

Apple announced on its website yesterday that company founder Steve Jobs had died. What do you think?

  • “I hope Apple remembered to ask him for a few more ideas.”

    Tom Crecine Car Detailer
  • "iCan't believe he's gone. Hey, when you run this, can you put a lowercase 'i' in front of it, so it looks like an Apple product name?"

    Don Tevanian Enameler
  • "I'm already getting tired of that commercial where John Hodgman brags about how he's a PC and is alive."

    Irene Mandich Pad Maker
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