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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Steve Jobs Resigns

Said to be in poor health, Apple CEO Steve Jobs stepped down late Wednesday. What do you think?

  • “I thought I saw a new CEO in the Apple Store window display.”

    Douglas Yates Dealer-Compliance Representative
  • “I guess he just finally had to face the facts: The Samsung Galaxy Tab is a superior product.”

    Rick Sullivan Night Auditor
  • “Oh, jeez, for a second there I thought you said Barnes & Noble CEO William J. Lynch, Jr. Thank God the future of the Nook is still in his visionary hands.”

    Krysten Ekenberg Retort Operator

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