Steve Jobs Resigns

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Vol 47 Issue 34

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report.

Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunn...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Holiday

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Steve Jobs Resigns

Said to be in poor health, Apple CEO Steve Jobs stepped down late Wednesday. What do you think?

  • “I thought I saw a new CEO in the Apple Store window display.”

    Douglas Yates
    Dealer-Compliance Representative
  • “I guess he just finally had to face the facts: The Samsung Galaxy Tab is a superior product.”

    Rick Sullivan
    Night Auditor
  • “Oh, jeez, for a second there I thought you said Barnes & Noble CEO William J. Lynch, Jr. Thank God the future of the Nook is still in his visionary hands.”

    Krysten Ekenberg
    Retort Operator
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