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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Steven Tyler Leaving 'American Idol'

After two years serving as a judge, 64-year-old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler announced he is leaving the long-running Fox reality singing competition American Idol. What do you think?

  • “I don’t know if the contest is going to mean anything without Steven Tyler’s legitimizing stamp of approval.”

    Em Morwood Youth Camp Counselor
  • “I’m sort of glad. It’s been weird going to Aerosmith shows and having to stare at that empty microphone stand with all the strands of cloth hanging from it for three hours while the rest of the band plays.”

    Eugene Clifton Unemployed
  • “Well, that’s just great. Now what am I supposed to do with all these illegally branded American Idol wax lips?”

    Nicholas Dolci Shop Owner
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