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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Stewart's Prison Sentence

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?
  • "Martha's headed to jail? Her emotions must be running the gamut from taut-lipped pseudo-WASP rage to unhealthy denial."

    Bruce Bennett Systems Analyst
  • "She's just going to learn how to be a better insider trader from all the other inmates."

    Kathy Henderson Secretary
  • "I'll be able to sleep easier knowing that another motivated, powerful woman is off the streets."

    Steve Woods Referee
  • "It's about time we cracked down on white-collar criminals without political connections."

    Willi Cooper Usher
  • "The woman is about to go to prison, yet her site still charges 39 bucks for a goddamn egg-shaped beeswax candle?"

    Beverly Ross Window Trimmer
  • "Hey, did anyone say how funny it would be if Martha decorated her jail cell in some elaborate way? Oh."

    Nicholas Coleman Anesthesiologist
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