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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Stewart's Prison Sentence

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?
  • "Martha's headed to jail? Her emotions must be running the gamut from taut-lipped pseudo-WASP rage to unhealthy denial."

    Bruce Bennett Systems Analyst
  • "She's just going to learn how to be a better insider trader from all the other inmates."

    Kathy Henderson Secretary
  • "I'll be able to sleep easier knowing that another motivated, powerful woman is off the streets."

    Steve Woods Referee
  • "It's about time we cracked down on white-collar criminals without political connections."

    Willi Cooper Usher
  • "The woman is about to go to prison, yet her site still charges 39 bucks for a goddamn egg-shaped beeswax candle?"

    Beverly Ross Window Trimmer
  • "Hey, did anyone say how funny it would be if Martha decorated her jail cell in some elaborate way? Oh."

    Nicholas Coleman Anesthesiologist
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