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Stewart's Prison Sentence

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Stewart's Prison Sentence

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?
  • "Martha's headed to jail? Her emotions must be running the gamut from taut-lipped pseudo-WASP rage to unhealthy denial."

    Bruce Bennett
    Systems Analyst
  • "She's just going to learn how to be a better insider trader from all the other inmates."

    Kathy Henderson
    Secretary
  • "I'll be able to sleep easier knowing that another motivated, powerful woman is off the streets."

    Steve Woods
    Referee
  • "It's about time we cracked down on white-collar criminals without political connections."

    Willi Cooper
    Usher
  • "The woman is about to go to prison, yet her site still charges 39 bucks for a goddamn egg-shaped beeswax candle?"

    Beverly Ross
    Window Trimmer
  • "Hey, did anyone say how funny it would be if Martha decorated her jail cell in some elaborate way? Oh."

    Nicholas Coleman
    Anesthesiologist

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