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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Stonehenge Seeking General Manager

The British agency that maintains Stonehenge, the ring of large stones believed to have been erected between 4,000 and 5,000 years ago, has begun soliciting applications for a new general manager of the monument, a position that will pay $99,000 a year. What do you think?

  • “Do they drug test?”

    Jeb Leeds Cake Former
  • “I’m already thinking of ideas for how to rearrange it. Ooh, how about like a big stack?”

    Peggy Faloona Systems Analyst
  • “All right, I’ll do it.”

    Andrew Marvin Exhaust Tender

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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