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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Stonehenge Seeking General Manager

The British agency that maintains Stonehenge, the ring of large stones believed to have been erected between 4,000 and 5,000 years ago, has begun soliciting applications for a new general manager of the monument, a position that will pay $99,000 a year. What do you think?

  • “Do they drug test?”

    Jeb Leeds Cake Former
  • “I’m already thinking of ideas for how to rearrange it. Ooh, how about like a big stack?”

    Peggy Faloona Systems Analyst
  • “All right, I’ll do it.”

    Andrew Marvin Exhaust Tender
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