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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Storms Could Deplete Ozone Layer Above U.S.

According to Harvard University scientists, water vapor lofted into the stratosphere by severe summer storms could react with chemicals there to destroy the ozone layer above the central United States, leading to dangerous levels of ultraviolet radiation. What do you think?

  • “At least this will get all my friends from Oklahoma to shut up about how great their ozone is.”

    Patrick Bouchelle Systems Analyst
  • “I guess the only solution is to get some governor to pray to God for less rain, not more.”

    Kaetlyn Marisa Assembly Cleaner
  • “I thought we already proved that anything to do with the climate was fake?”

    Carly West Headwaiter

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