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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Straight Men, Gay Women Have Similar Brains

Swedish researchers have found that the brains of straight men and lesbians display many of the same characteristics. What do you think?
  • "Great—I'm going to start asking my straight male friends to cat-sit."

    Kevin O'Malley Systems Analyst
  • "Though one group's inclination to fetishize the other is highly disproportionate."

    Chelsea Carter Home Theater Installer
  • "So which group is defective?"

    Sam Glaumann Beer Vendor

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