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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line

Panamanian fisherman Adrian Vasquez is suing Princess Cruise Lines after one of its ships allegedly chose to ignore a stalled boat in which he and two companions, who later died, had been stranded. What do you think?

  • “Oh, come on, Princess Cruise Lines? Even if you're cast adrift with no food or water, you shouldn't settle for anything less than Royal Caribbean.”

    Keith Hansen Bench Baker
  • “At least everyone on the ship waved back.”

    Mary Beth Dugan Picture Framer
  • “And where were they supposed to keep him and his crew? The tennis court? The entertainment lounge? The theater? Perhaps one of the prime sun chairs on the lido deck? No, I don't think so.”

    Alvin Courtin Bedder

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