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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Strategic Oil Reserves

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush is tapping the strategic oil reserve to help petroleum refiners. What do you think?
  • "It's a compassionate gesture in a time of natural disaster, but I’m warning you: One of these days, Bush's big heart is going to get him in trouble."

    Morton Karnes Butcher
  • "I'm against it. The Strategic Petroleum Reserve was created way back in 1973, during that passing fad of 'forward thinking.'"

    Alison Dumont Librarian
  • "The oil industry can't rely on soaring prices and record profits to weather this meteorological inconvenience. They need a hand up."

    Brian Arsenault Claims Adjuster

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