After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Stress In Pregnancy Influences Asthma

A recent study shows that if a pregnant woman is exposed to high levels of stress, her child is more likely to develop asthma or allergies later in life. What do you think?
  • "Stress this, stress that. When will these researchers understand that my mother just didn't love me enough?"

    Wendy Heller Personal Trainer
  • "Oh, okay! I just won't get stressed out, then."

    Carly Emerson Systems Analyst
  • "Yet another excuse these bloated women will use to get out of doing actual work. Female employees are the absolute worst."

    Paul Baker Manager

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.