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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Stress Up Since 1983

According to a Carnegie Mellon University study, stress levels in the United States increased 18 percent for women and 24 percent for men between 1983 and 2009. What do you think?

  • "That sounds about right. I feel about 6 percent less additional stress than my husband."

    Shoshanna Wright Systems Analyst
  • "Finally, scientific proof that things were better when I was a kid. Now to tell my children of the paradise lost that was the ’80s."

    David Lillian Track Superintendent
  • "Every year since I lost my piano tie, my life has been a living hell."

    Sean Pitofsky Veneer Dryer

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