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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Stressed-Out Men Prefer Heavier Women

A new British study found that men placed in stressful situations tended to rate photographs of females with higher body mass indexes as more attractive than did stress-free men who were shown the same images. What do you think?

  • “That’s accurate. After a long day at work, I’ll masturbate to just about anything.”

    Arnie Goldblat Padding Gluer
  • “And everyone knows that women of all sizes prefer stressed-out, basket-case men, so it all works out.”

    Jill Tenvik Judge
  • “Wow. I had no idea how stressed my brother was.”

    Bruce Byrd Nut Roaster

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