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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think?
  • "These warnings are crucial. If they'd told me what I really looked like, I never would have gotten the surgery."

    Dana Morrell Data Entry Specialist
  • "The only name I'd trust in the way of clear and corrected vision is Ben Stein."

    Mark Madden Carpeting Installer
  • "If Americans have been refusing to heed Foreigner's 'Double Vision' warning for the past 30 years, what chance does the FDA have of enforcing informed consent?"

    Neil Cebulash Systems Analyst
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