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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Student-Loan Interest Cut

The House of Representatives voted to cut interest rates on certain student loans last week. What do you think?
  • "But the only excitement I have in my life is the cat-and-mouse game I play with my student loan officer."

    Georgia Cummings Systems Analyst
  • "I can't wait to tell my loan officer that I'll be paying back my loan two weeks earlier than my previously stated goal date of never."

    Jeffrey Cain Referee
  • "As this will inevitably entice many to purchase more education than they can afford, please let me know when I can buy one of those fancy educated brains at foreclosure."

    Robert Loehman Body Piercer

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