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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Studies Show Alternative Medicine Ineffective

After spending $2.5 billion, the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine has found that most alternative medicine cures—like echinacea, ginkgo biloba, and shark cartilage—do not work. What do you think?
  • "I don't need some study to tell me what I already know: If you want to stay sick, take herbs; if you want to get better, pray."

    Michael Jennings Systems Analyst
  • "So my idiot friends who have never been to medical school don't know what they're talking about?"

    Laura Roma Grant Writer
  • "Is that so? Well, I'm still gonna put these 'proven to work' stickers on the bottles of ginkgo biloba pills, and I’ll ask you to mind your own business and shut the hell up about it."

    Dan Cummings Herbalist

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