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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Study: 1 In 6 Public School Teachers Were ‘Chronically Absent’ Last Year

According to a new report from the National Council on Teaching Quality, 1 in 6 public school teachers were “chronically absent” last year, missing 18 school days or more. What do you think?

  • “This would be a major problem if our nation’s public schools didn’t have such high-quality substitute teachers.”

    Robert Nesbitt Systems Analyst
  • “Shame on these perpetually absent teachers for treating the American education system with the same level of respect the rest of us do.”

    Karl Pennington Typeface Designer
  • “So do we cut school funding again, or what?”

    Michelle Oppher Craft Services Manager
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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