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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Study: 1 In 6 Public School Teachers Were ‘Chronically Absent’ Last Year

According to a new report from the National Council on Teaching Quality, 1 in 6 public school teachers were “chronically absent” last year, missing 18 school days or more. What do you think?

  • “This would be a major problem if our nation’s public schools didn’t have such high-quality substitute teachers.”

    Robert Nesbitt Systems Analyst
  • “Shame on these perpetually absent teachers for treating the American education system with the same level of respect the rest of us do.”

    Karl Pennington Typeface Designer
  • “So do we cut school funding again, or what?”

    Michelle Oppher Craft Services Manager
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