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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: 20% Of High School Seniors Smoke Hookahs

A study in the journal Pediatrics found that one in five high school seniors smoked a hookah in the previous year and that white males from higher-income families were most likely to have used the water pipe. What do you think?

  • "Wow, white males from higher-income families are capable of making anything less exotic."

    Grace Vargo Systems Analyst
  • "Who can blame them, with all those bad boy Hollywood role models like Sydney Greenstreet and Gazanfer Özcan?"

    Kyle Sprouse Pet Inoculator
  • "High school seniors just keep getting cooler and cooler, don’t they?"

    Jennifer Korn Regional Shoplifter

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