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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Study: 95% Of People Don’t Wash Hands Correctly

A Michigan State University study, which observed 3,700 people washing their hands in public bathrooms, found that only one in 20 people wash well enough to kill bacteria and other germs, with the other 95 percent not using soap, not scrubbing for the recommended 20 seconds, or not washing at all. What do you think?

  • “I wash my hands when and how I want, and I don’t need some egghead telling me different.”

    Brian Warren Scientific Illustrator
  • “That’s strange. Usually I wash my hands longer whenever there’s a guy standing there with a clipboard and stopwatch.”

    Alvin Huffman Unemployed
  • “It’s amazing we’re all still alive.”

    Charlotte Reilly Probation Officer

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