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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: Acupuncture Works

A recent German study demonstrated that acupuncture, even fake acupuncture, worked better than conventional care to relieve chronic back pain. What do you think?
  • "Whenever I stick needles in myself, I feel better. Of course, they are full of drugs."

    Sasha Makepeace Systems Analyst
  • "Conventional care being the eight minutes of therapy after waiting four hours in a hard plastic chair? Yeah, how did that fail?"

    Doug May Barber
  • "Isn't all acupuncture 'fake acupuncture?'"

    Brad Cohn Guitar Maker
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